Marriage, Personal

Picking the Right Fights | #Write31Days

I love the looks we get when we tell people that we have yet to have an argument.

Surprise. Incredulity. Disbelief.

“You mean you guys have never had a fight?”

“Nope. We never have.”



The fact that we get to say that, after being together for 3 years and married 7 months, we never once had a fight makes me feel like I’ve got the creme da la creme of marriage brownie points. At the same time, at the back of my mind, I can’t help thinking that maybe we’re just waiting for the bomb to drop. 

We know that dishonesty for the sake of peace isn’t healthy in any kind of relationship, much less a marriage. So we stand guard to make sure that we’re honest. 

That’s why we don’t fight. 

We also know it looks like when couples don’t communicate with one another. So we talk. We have since day one. We’re each other’s best friends and closest confidants. We talk about stuff openly before they have the opportunity to become big, blow up problems. 

That’s why we don’t fight. 

We also know what it looks like when one or both parties insist they have to be right. All. The. Time. No room for differing opinions. No room for discussion. No room for a maybe they need to change their viewpoint. My husband and I aren’t out to prove the other wrong. He’s not always right and I’m not always right. We’re a team. We bring the best we’ve got and together, find the best of both of us. Is it cut and dry? Sometimes. Eenie-meenie-minie-moe? Sometimes! Trial and see what happens next? Been there. Table it and figure it out tomorrow, just kiss me already? Yep, done that too. We’re learning this being-married-to-each-other thing and I don’t think there’s a one-size fits all solution to things, so we experiment. 

That’s why we don’t fight. 

I doesn’t mean we don’t get mad or frustrated. It doesn’t mean that we agree on everything cause we So Do Not! But I will tell you what works entirely in our favor.

First off, my husband is chill. Seriously. He’s a responder not a reactor. He doesn’t jump on emotional bandwagons or make snap judgements. I’ve got a mature guy with a level, methodical head who doesn’t get angry at the drop of a hat or sweat the small insignificant stuff. He’s a listener and handles conflict well. He’s not a malicious fighter and he’s a patient observer. I can’t tell you how much I so completely love this part of my man! He’s not perfect, of course, but when it comes to disposition, I seriously hit the jackpot, people. 

I, on the other hand, am a bit of a firecracker. I’m a reactor by nature. I feel deeply quite quickly and too often before I’ve thought it through. I can go from zero to five to fifty to one hundred in a matter of nanoseconds. I can yell and slam doors with the best of them. And I can feed off the drama real fast if I’m not paying attention.

The fact that I don’t fight with my husband isn’t because I can’t, it’s because, help me Jesus, I’m learning to keep my mouth shut and pick the right fights. 

The fact that I’ve had my fair share of arguments with my family in the past and the fact that I can look back at my relationships with my parents and brother and cringe at my past behavior towards them, made me decide that I would use the opportunity of a new marriage to keep the slate clean with my husband and start wiping off the messy slates of my sibling and daughter relationships. My husband and I had such a great run as a dating couple, and continued strong while engaged. Why would I want to sully the track record in marriage? I. Don’t. Want. To.  

That’s why we don’t fight.

And I look at all this and think, it’s too good to be true. It’s too perfect. That’s not realistic. Somehow, somewhere we’re gonna get bit in the butt! But we still have, for real, not fought. And whatever that is, dear God, I’m holding onto it as long as I possibly can. We believe everything is figure-out-able and so far we’ve been able to do so without yelling at each other. 

So when something upsets me, I think about whether or not it’s worth bringing up right now or if it can wait until I’ve thought about it more. I reason it out in my head instead of angrily trying to build my argument out loud, in real-time. I take a breath. I write it down. I ask God to tell me whether my feelings have been legitimately hurt or if I’m just being selfish or un-necessarily emotional and I all I need is to sing a song, eat a piece of chocolate or watch a YouTube video (or all of the above). This is not how I’ve lived the first 25 years of my life but I decided to start the next 25 with more grace and thoughtfulness.

I’m not saying that we won’t ever fight. I can’t say that. But I am saying that if and when we do, I hope it’s something worth fighting about and that we don’t forget we’re on the same team and maybe it’ll just be a matter of getting our lines untangled and we’re both just trying to understand what the other person is saying. 

I hope I’m never nasty. 

I hope I don’t get my feelings hurt. 

I hope I don’t get careless. 

I hope I continue to think things through and keep my mouth shut until I have something reasonable to say.   

Because 10 years from now, I still want to continue to shock people with the record. And maybe they’ll think about picking the right fights too.  


#write31days

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  • Alicia

    So much wisdom! I’m not married, or in a relationship at the moment, but I really need to work on this with various family members. It’s okay to disagree, and there’s a sort of art to disagreeing that I think we (collectively) have lost. Discussion is important!!

    Personally, I need to remember “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it” in the heat of an argument with a sibling. And not get so heated when they see things in a different light.